by Paolo Gan (Batangas State University)
(Blue Acrylic is my article published in the AY 2007-2008 issue of The LATHE Literary Folio. The said folio won fourth place-best literary content in the 7th Luzonwide Higher Education Press Conference held at Tuguegarao City, Cagayan Valley, Feb. 7-9. The folio was themed AWAKE: Blankies, coffee mugs, pixies.)
“Follow the path. Everything will favor you. It is written,” the palm reader said, seriously looking at me.
“What path? I don’t get it.”
“The path is within you. I have no right to tell you. It is you who should search for it. Now go and search!”
“Can I ask one more thing before I go?”
“What?”
“My greatest fear is failure. I haven’t experienced yet. At the end of my journey, will I fail?”
Theresa, the palm reader, gave me a fake smile and told that there’s no such thing as failure, “only man decides whether he really failed or not.”
It was mid-December, five days before the celebration of Christ’s birth, cold and windswept. I was actually in the state of bewilderment. All those things the palm reader had told me five years ago still resound in my head. Sleepless nights in search of something I really don’t know had brought me to distress at times.
It is my fifth year here in Barcelona. I work almost 24/7. No, not really, that was an exaggeration. I sleep an average of four hours a day to be more accurate. During daytime, I work as an accountant in one of Barcelona’s prime colleges; at nighttime, I work as a part-time bartender and part-time artist. After my 10 pm to 4 am shift as a bartender, I immediately go to my place, get my canvass, a variety of paintbrushes and acrylics and start painting. I have more than a hundred of artworks already kept in my house. No one except me had seen those masterpieces. It would definitely be hard for others to understand my art. I start sleeping the moment the sun says hello.
30 June 1983
8:55 pm
When I grow up, I want to be a doctor and treat those people in need of proper medication. I hate seeing people die and left unloved. I want happiness. I want to be loved. I want friends. I want everything that my sight could reach. Thanks to God, mom and dad gave me everything.
I have a friend named Clara. We were seatmates in school. I was the one who taught her how to spell “Mississippi.” We were actually best of friends. Whenever she had buttered bread, she gave it to me in exchange for a chicken sandwich. Butter bread is one of my favorites. I just wonder why yaya doesn’t buy it. Or maybe it was mom who doesn’t like it.
Actually, I hate yaya; I know she doesn’t like me either. Well, there’s nothing that I can do. She was asked by my mom to follow me wherever I go. Even when I pee, she’s there, staring blankly at my tidbit. She’s just but an absurd, crazy child caretaker.
Huh? It’s getting late. Before I sleep, I would like to thank God for keeping me and my family safe as always. After today, all the things that happened will remain in the past. There is nothing to worry about tomorrow. Hope it’ll rain.
Christian Arthur
Grade II – St. James
I was raised in one of the provinces in Luzon. I belong to a well-known family of professionals and politicians. My dad is a lawyer while my mom is a doctor. I’m the youngest among the six siblings. Two of my brothers are both engineers, the other two are lawyers and my only sister is a doctor. I was really eager to pursue a degree in medicine then but I realized that it would eat much of my time and patience. I decided to become an accountant since my favorite subject since childhood is Math. My family became sad with my decision. Though very disappointed, they still supported me. I finished Magna Cum Laude and topped the CPA board exams.
After college, I took Doctor of Jurisprudence at the San Beda College of Law. It was on my last year when I decided to stop. With that stupid decision, still my family was there to support me. Until now, I’m still looking forward to become a lawyer. I’m still young.
My first and only job in the Philippines before I left was as a lecturer at the Ateneo de Manila University. I taught there for three memorable years.
28 November 1991
4:55 pm
(This is an excerpt from my article: “What About Love,” published in The Journal, the official publication of our high school. The copies of The Journal were circulated to the pupils this morning. ‘Hope Abegail has already a copy. It was actually written for her.)
Love is a never-ending search for peace and contentment. It is something that completes everything. I mean everything. You may be happy at a moment, happier the following day and be the happiest person of a certain day. Apparently, you may also be the loneliest person for the rest of your life.
Love is patient, love is kind. It is not selfish; it does not boast. It is giving whatever you have ‘til you find out one day that everything you own is all gone: family, wealth, friends, and yourself. It is giving your world to the person you love, sharing it in a specific span of space and time called “moment.”
Love is taking risks. You can never find it unless you try searching for it. Love will never find you unless you open your heart completely.
Christian Arthur
IV – Integrity
I had innumerable girlfriends. I had short-time and long-time relationships. I lost my virginity back in college. I had different partners. I was a spoiled brat when I was a child. Girls seemed to be a commodity; I can get them whenever I want.
Then what about love?
I can easily share insights about it. Ask me things and you can have me 24 hours talking about it, either way. Love is simply giving and receiving love. In a relationship, there would always be someone who will love more than the other. In my case, I was always at the receiving end. I can easily make promises without any intentions of keeping them.
Despite my knowledge on what love really is – I have never found true love.
I decided to leave the country and work in Barcelona. During my five-year stay here, I have never been back to the Philippines, even for a vacation. I just call my family and friends every holiday season. I was supposed to fly back last year when I found out that my dad died because of cardiac arrest. I decided not to. Before I left, I had a meaningful conversation with him. I practically gave him my reasons and without hesitating, he allowed me.
“Tread your way, it’s your life. I am just your father. Your own decision is the best decision you could have. Never ever lose hope. I believe in you so much, son. Find yourself. Promise me – never go back, not ‘til you’re done.”
I know that wherever he is right now, he is very proud of me. Five years is too long to search for something you actually didn’t know exactly. But this time, I am sure, very sure, that I am getting nearer to what I have been searching for.
The result of the doctor’s analysis was already released. I have lung cancer. Nicotine overdose, primarily. The doctor kept telling me that Barcelona has good hospitals and doctors that may help sustain my life. The doctor said that the cancer cells spread fast. No room for another life, only for an extension.
Friends advised me to ask for second, third opinion from other doctors. I did not. I believe that if this was meant to happen, there’s nothing more I can do. I had a good life. I just have to seize every single moment that I’m awake.
I shall go back to the Philippines.
Honestly, it’s really hard to face death. I won’t lie and say that I’m not afraid. I thought that I was ready to die. I am afraid more than anything else. Lots float in my head, things that I still want to do, people that I want to be with and broken promises that I want to mend.
For sure, I’ll miss being alive. Above all else, I’ll miss painting this world blue. Blue is the color of the sky. Blue signifies peace, security, calmness. I am blue. I have a serene spirit, yet, I’m alone.
30 December 2002
9:54 pm
I’m not yet ready. But I have to prepare myself.
A month ago, I had an affair with Theresa. I was fascinated by her charm. I liked the feel of her hand in mine. I was inlove.
We kissed each other passionately, tenderly. It was her first time. Right there I vowed that I will make her happy. Someone told me this morning that Theresa was searching for me. That she has something very important to tell, that our love bore a fruit.
As much as I wanted to, I am not prepared. I’m not yet ready to have a family.
It would be easy to support them financially. Time will come and I’ll learn how to love and accept them completely. I know it’s hard to decide on matters as such. But I have to be firm. I will leave the country not to hide from them, not to be irresponsible. I would ask mom to give them everything they need. I just have to search for myself. I must as soon as possible.
Forgive me Theresa, for being a coward.
Forgive me, my unborn child.
I just have to prepare myself. This will not take too long. I’ll change for the better.
Christian Arthur
I’m leaving in three days. Sleeping for five years seemed monotonous. I have awakened now.
Tonight’s my last gig at the bar. I’ll miss the drinks. I’ll miss my buddies. I’ll miss the gigs. I’ll miss those sleepless nights.
At the crack of dawn, I’ll be painting my last masterpiece.
5 November 2007
4:25 am
I remember the first time I went to a bar in Malate, Philippines. There were bartenders juggling bottles and glasses. I used to watch them. I was inspired to do my act. Eventually, I became a bartender.
They were really good. I learned from them the different tricks and all those stuffs of bartending. 10 pm to 4 am shift. This is rude. I’m not really exhausted. The problem is I can’t sleep.
Painting is a hobby. When I was four, mom enrolled me in a summer art school.
Yes, I remember, I still have a blue acrylic and a canvass in my room. It was a birthday gift from a friend. I might as well try painting now. I’ll try painting myself like I used to. Maybe my art will finally reflect who I am.
When I was in high school, my Art professor told us to paint ourselves – just a plain canvass and an acrylic of your choice. The point was to see if our art imitated our lives.
Do I still know myself?
I’m about to celebrate my fifth anniversary here in Barcelona. I might as well paint.
Christian Arthur
I remember Theresa telling me to find the path that is within me. Now I know. I spent five years searching for something that I already have. She’s right, it’s within me. The search was actually pointless.
She wanted me to be happy just as much as I wanted her to be happy.
I am flying back to the Philippines days from now. Maybe my art will imitate my life, finally, after five years. I hope she takes me back. I hope I can give her and our son the same thing that I have so wanted from the start: happiness.
